How To Be Intimate — Without Having Sex
Hint: all you might need is just 60 seconds, 3 times a day!
A lot of us want to know how to keep a relationship alive with passion. We want to know the secret to long-term happiness and symbiotic intimacy.
We read books, articles (like this one!), watch TED talks — some even attend seminars by relationship and sex experts — all in search of that one key to success.
The problem? A happy, healthy relationship isn’t about finding the one key, it’s about multiple keys!
How to keep a relationship alive with passion is about both small routines and grand gestures.
In this article I’ll be showing you 3 different ways to take your relationship from barely surviving to thriving. You’ll learn:
- how to sustain and cultivate intimacy in just 60 seconds(!)
- why eye contact matters and how to use it to your relationship’s advantage
- how to turn sex into a doable activity when just the thought of it stresses you out — in turn increasing passion and intimacy.
Intimacy in 60 seconds
Modern living can make even the simplest of tasks difficult — there are always emails to catch up on, texts to reply to, and instagram feeds to scroll through. All of this constant stimuli is enough to make anyone forget their partner — even when if you’re completely loved up and happy together.
When everyday life seems demanding enough, carving out a date night or two per month can seem like a real challenge.
For couples who feel like they’ve lost sexual and emotional intimacy and need to reconnect, it can sometimes feel as if it’s an uphill battle. One which you’ve simply got no energy for after you’ve put the kids to bed and had a well-needed shower.
If this is you, you can take comfort in knowing that the following exercise literally takes 60 seconds to do. Ideally, though, it should be done 3 times a day, for a total of 3 minutes.
- Set aside one minute where you share a moment together.
- This moment can consist of anything really, so long as you both are 100% committed to sharing those seconds together. The point of this exercise is to connect.
- Examples of activities are: having a few sips of tea together, holding hands and looking at the scenery outside, looking into each other’s eyes, giving each other a long hug, calling each other to check in on how you’re both doing during the day.
- Repeat 3 times a day — for a total of three minutes per day.
If you commit to sharing 60 seconds, 3 times a day, for at least a few weeks running, you’ll probably find that that feeling of closeness in your relationship is regained or strengthened, without actually having changed a whole lot.
By connecting sporadically throughout the day you make a commitment to prioritizing your relationship — even if it only is just for 3 minutes. This commitment is powerful and it’s one of the secrets of how to keep a relationship alive with passion.
The Importance Of Eye Contact
In the beginning of relationships we’re all about eye contact. In fact, looking into each other’s eyes can sometimes be enough for us to feel sexually aroused and raring to go.
However, as time passes, we tend to forget about the importance of actually looking into each other’s eyes — be it while having a conversation or having sex.
By making the effort to look into each other’s eyes, you can increase intimacy and passion and even ignite a sleeping sex drive.
Increased eye contact is also a good way to remind yourself, and each other, that you’re sexual beings. When you look into your partners eyes you can see yourself mirrored in their gaze; as attractive and sexy. This in turn can do wonders for how you view yourself and — increase your libido.
Eye contact, like the 60 seconds of intimacy, might sound banal and too easy.
Like these gestures somehow are too small if you want to know how to keep a relationship alive with passion and intimacy.
But they’re powerful tools that we all have at our disposal — and it’s important we use them, even if we’re a little sceptical at first.
Turn Sex Into A Doable (And Enjoyable) Activity
When we feel disconnected in our relationship it’s important to find ways to regain that connection. One way of doing this is trying to connect on a sexual level.
Often times when we haven’t had sex in a while, the whole idea of sex can seem like a turn-off.
It feels like something we need to cross off of our to-do-list.
Like yet another activity where we have to “perform”.
This can lead us to worry. Thoughts about perhaps not lubricating enough or being able to get and sustain an erection can swim around in our minds, causing anxiety and stress.
If this sounds like you — you’re definitely not alone. And there are ways to fix this so that you can feel that desire for sex again. In this blog post I cover what you need to know about the sexual desire vs sexual arousal conundrum and how you can use this knowledge to increase your libido.
Remember though, just because you haven’t had sex in a while or you don’t feel like being intimate right now, it doesn’t mean you have to work at it. It’s okay to go periods of time without sex (or never have sex again) if that’s what you want.
However, if you wish to connect sexually again there are ways to combat the worrying thoughts or the anxiety surrounding sex.
One of these (and a powerful one at that), is about turning sex into something small. Taking a bite out of sex, instead of going for the whole meal.
For example, you could:
- Make out without clothes on
- Masturbate beside each other
- Share a sexual fantasy and enjoy the feeling of arousal together, without going further and actually having physical sex
- Remove the traditional goals we usually have regarding sex, for example orgasms.
- Remove a sexual activity that’s always included in our sexual repertoire — for example vaginal penetration, and exploring other sides of our sexuality together.
By removing the staples in our sexual repertoire we force ourselves to get creative. And being creative in turn ignites curiosity and openness, two things which are really important if we want to feel more sexual desire.
Despite relationships being tricky — there really are ways to regain closeness that has once been lost. By using the 3 ways outlined in this article on how to keep a relationship alive with passion and intimacy, you’ll soon be back to that desired feeling between the two of you. All it takes is 60 seconds, a little bit of eye contact and turning sex into an activity that feels doable and enjoyable!
Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and writer. Her writing on low libido, communication and intimacy has been featured in YourTango, Babe, The Tab, Glamour, and more. Learn more about Leigh on her website.
Originally published in English at https://www.therapybyleigh.com on January 14, 2020. First published on my Swedish website www.sexologkliniken.com.
