Low libido? The Unlikely Way To Increase Your Sex Drive.
Sex can easily turn into something that feels like a chore. A light touch from your partner, a look from your loved one — as soon as you think your partner wants to have sex, you go into freeze mode.
You definitely don’t want it.
When you’re stuck in a negative sex spiral, there are a few things you can try to get out of it.
For some, it’s all about scheduling sex. But for others, especially those of us who feel pressured to have a more active sex life, putting sex on the agenda, next to picking up the dry-cleaning, can do more harm than good.
A better way of decreasing the pressure and increasing your libido, is by enforcing a sex ban.
I know, I know — a sex ban can sound completely counterproductive — because you might not be having a lot of sex as it is anyway.
But what a sex ban does, is remove the pressure that otherwise simmers in the air, between the two of you.
The constant reminder that sex can happen.
The pressure that sex must happen soon.
When your libido has been low for some time, anxiety starts to build. Perhaps your partner has voiced their concern, or maybe this is a feeling you’ve been carrying around for a long time.
It’s not uncommon to get nervous or worried when you lose your sex drive. And the pressure you feel, regardless of where it originates from, can lead to all physical intimacy in your relationship feeling stressful.
This, in turn, might mean you start to remove yourself from situations where your partner wants to get close.
The minute they want to give you a kiss or a hug, you just need to send a quick e-mail, do the dishes or tend to the gardening.
Before you know it, you’ve lost all sense of intimacy in your relationship — even though non-sexual closeness never was the culprit.
What A Sex Ban Is
A sex ban is a common staple in sex therapy, introduced in the ‘60’s by sex researchers Masters and Johnson. For over 60 years, it’s been part of successfully treating all manner of sexual problems, such as low libido, erectile dysfunction, and pain during sex.
The reason it works is simple. It instantly removes the pressure and stress surrounding sex. This lowers the expectations on both of you, and you can once again focus on actually enjoying each other. And when this happens — sex usually turns into something you actually feel like having again.
A sex ban can be whatever you want it to be. For example:
- No vaginal penetration, but other forms of sex are permitted
- Making out with your clothes on, but not going any further
- Masturbating together, but not touching each other
- Non-sexual massages are ok
Next time you feel the pressure and stress starting to build, sit down and have a conversation about creating a sex ban.
Make it clear to your partner you want your sex life to work — but in order for that to happen, you need to find a way of making sex feel like less of a must.
A sex ban is the easiest way to accomplish this.
And by using the following questions to guide your conversation, you’ll soon be on your way to less anguish and more intimacy.
- What would you like to have achieved during the sex ban, so that you’ll want to try to have sex again? For example: being able to be present in the moment or that the pressure I’ve felt to become physically aroused has subsided.
- How can you achieve the abovementioned goals?
For example: get better at communicating our feelings to each other, or seeing a sex therapist for help - How can you create (or sustain) shared intimacy in your relationship whole not having sex?
For example: do new things together or give each other a massage. For more ideas on how to strengthen intimacy, see The (free) Guide for Intimacy — a freebie with exercises and discussion prompts that helps you increase intimacy in your romantic relationship.
Removing stress is key if you want your libido to return. And even if it may sound crazy — a sex ban is the fastest, most effective way to relieve the pressure to have sex.
Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and writer. Her writing on low libido, communication and intimacy has been featured in YourTango, Babe, The Tab, Glamour, and more. Learn more about Leigh on her website.
Originally published at https://www.therapybyleigh.com.
