The Real Reasons For Female Orgasm Difficulty
Hint: it’s not because they’re mystical or elusive.
Female orgasm difficulty is common. Yet for those who experience it, it’s often accompanied by a feeling of being the only one who can’t climax.
Like you’re completely abnormal.
Somehow damaged goods.
That not being able to orgasm is something you should be ashamed of, and hide from others at all costs (even if it means faking it forever!).
None of this is true.
These are harmful thoughts that exist, in part, because of the lack of knowledge surrounding female orgasms.
Female orgasms are usually viewed as mysterious and elusive. In fact — female sexuality as a whole is steeped in these cultural myths — we perpetuate ideas about women as less sexual than men, as not being interested in sex or not having the capacity to truly enjoy it.
These ideas lead a lot of us to simply give up or accept that sex isn’t enjoyable or fun (orgasms or not!).
The idea that it’s easy to make a man orgasm and difficult to make a woman orgasm is simply untrue. With the right knowledge and facts about both your body and your brain, having an orgasm is definitely achievable. Even if you’ve never had an orgasm in your entire life!
Reasons for female orgasm difficulty
Not being able to climax is often down to several different factors. Some of these are: not using the right technique, not being turned on or not actually enjoying the sex you’re having. To learn about some surprising factors that can negatively impact your orgasm abilities — read this post.
1. Not being turned on
The greater your desire — the more likely you are to orgasm. Shocked? Probably not. Yet a lot of women I see in my practice as a sex therapist, forget about this very important aspect.
As orgasms are seen as part and parcel of a sexual act, a lot of them feel like they should be able to climax, regardless of whether they’re focusing on the sex itself or making mental notes for a dinner party they’re hosting on Sunday.
If you’re experiencing orgasm difficulties, it’s important to check in with yourself and how turned on you actually are during sex or masturbation — both physically and mentally. This blog post on the sexual desire vs. sexual arousal complex might very well be enlightening on the difference between the mental and the physical arousal, and why the difference matters.
2. Not enjoying the sex you’re having
Another common reason behind female orgasm difficulty — that’s rarely discussed — is how enjoyable the sex you’re having actually is. This too may seem like an obvious factor, but as it’s often missed, it’s important to talk about it.
An orgasm is like an eruption of pleasure. The culmination of sexual enjoyment can be experienced as tiny (or large!) fireworks of delight.
For this finale of pleasure to take place, the overall experience beforehand needs to have been satisfactory. If you’re not in the mood, if the sex is boring you or feels less than exciting, chances are there will probaböy be no explosive culmination. In order for this peak to take place you need to feel invested in the whole experience and enjoy it.
3. Not using the right technique
Gone are the days when women were told that all they needed to have an orgasm was to “just let go”.
Thankfully, we now know that one of the major contributing factors behind female orgasm difficulty, has to do with other things too. One of them being technique.
How you touch yourself or how someone else touches you is of the utmost importance for climaxing. And because we’re all unique individuals with different preferences, we need to know and communicate, what techniques work best.
A lot of women have no idea what technique they need to use in order to reach orgasm. This is often due to the cultural myths I discussed in the beginning of this piece.
Female sexuality is seen as taboo, which means ideas such as it being dirty for little girls to touch and explore their genitals, or for women to even look at themselves or masturbate, affect how likely we are to invest in exploring our bodies.
When we don’t know how our anatomy works or what we need, our sexual pleasure is completely in the hands of our sex partner(s). And because all women are different, no matter how experienced your sex partner(s) are, you probably won’t have an orgasm.
In order to get past female orgasm difficulty, you need to experiment with different pleasuring techniques, until you find which one works for you. Now’s the time whip out that mirror and have some alone time with your vulva and yourself!
There are a lot of reasons behind not being able to climax — but by honing in on technique, sexual desire and sexual pleasure — having an orgasm can go from being unachievable to downright easy.
Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and writer. Her writing on low libido, communication and intimacy has been featured in YourTango, Babe, The Tab, Glamour, and more. Learn more about Leigh on her website.
Originally published at https://www.therapybyleigh.com on January 23, 2020.
