What To Do When Your Lack Of Sex Drive Is Ruining Your Relationship
No sex drive? You’re not alone! Take it from a sex therapist and coach with 9+ years of experience.
It’s Normal
Despite what pop culture has us believe about sex in long-term relationships, sex isn’t always easy if we’re in the “right” relationship. And it’s definitely not always a given if we’re years into our partnership.
Low desire is common, in fact, about 1 in 3 women experience low sex drive, as well as 13–28% of men. And while we don’t have specific statistics on those who identify as non-binary or somewhere else on the gender spectrum, it’s probably similary frequent.
Suffice it to say, having no sex drive or lower desire than usual, doesn’t mean you’re broken or anything is wrong. It may feel that way. But our feelings aren’t always right.
What it usually does mean — is that there’s stuff to work on in order to get your desire back (and this is the good news!).
Because sex drive isn’t actually something you either have or don’t have. It’s an emotion — and it’s one you can affect both positively and negatively. Though probably not in the way you think (read more about this in my blog post on how emotions control sex).
It’s Possible To Increase Desire (If You Want To!)
Getting that passion back is possible — and it usually involves a whole lot of other things than popping some pills or trying out natural remedies.
Because if these were actual viable solutions, you’d better believe everyone and their mother would have a raging sex drive by now (right?). Unfortunately, the solution is a little more complex, but still highly doable.
It’s about working with yourself on a deeper level and addressing why your desire is gone in the first place. This is key, because your sexuality is a fundamental part of who you are. It’s ingrained in your whole being which means you can’t separate your sex drive from everything else.
How To Go From No Sex Drive To Lots Of It
Work out if you want to feel more desire
For years, I’ve helped people through sex therapy and coaching to get their desire back. One of the most important steps I always have my clients start with, is pinpointing whether they actually want to increase their libido or not. Because without knowing this, you may be inadvertently sabotaging your own desire.
Let me explain.
If the answer is: yes, I want more desire, take a second and notice what’s going on in your body. Oftentimes your gut reaction is to say yes, but hidden underneath the surface is another feeling: fear. You may notice this by feeling your breath move up to your chest, or feeling a tightening in your stomach.
You want to get your sex drive back and yet you don’t want to — because you’re afraid if you try, you’ll fail. And then you’ll find out there actually is something wrong with you. That your relationship or marriage can’t be rekindled. That intimacy and excitement is something you’ll never experience again. That you’re, in fact, damaged goods.
These beliefs hurt, and they can hamper all the work you’re doing to increase libido and turn your relationship around. Because if you deep down don’t believe it’s possible for you, you’ll subconsciously look for things that confirm this belief.
Even if this belief isn’t true.
For example, everytime your partner gives you a kiss and you feel the dread start to creep in, you take it as a sign things will never change. Or whenever your partner suggests sex you think “what’s the point? It won’t work anyway”. Or if you and your partner are fooling around, you’re constantly on the lookout for signs that you’re not getting in the mood fast enough or you’re not sufficiently aroused — further confirming that you’re a person who just doesn’t feel desire.
If this sounds like you, know there are ways of turning this around, and here’s how.
Work out why you have no sex drive
We often jump straight to the solution: how to increase libido. Cosmo would have you believe increasing sex drive is about using lime-flavoured lube and spicy new positions. And while these quick fixes might help in the short-term, they are, in fact, quick fixes — not actual solutions.
Gadgets and toys can’t remove the pressure and stress you feel to have sex.
Complicated positions and lingerie can’t create that intimacy you’re longing for.
In order to want sex you need to start out by understanding why you don’t want it. And part of this is usually understanding your underlying beliefs about sex.
If you miss this crucial step, you’ll likely end up trying things to no avail. And when your attempts don’t pan out — it increases the worry you feel about the situation and makes you less motivated to try something else.
In my free resource, The Desire Test, you get help with this fundamental first step — working out what’s blocking your desire. Using simple math, this quiz helps you understand the reasons behind low desire from different perspectives ranging from biological to cultural (yes, cultural!). Download it today and take the first step towards more desire and intimacy.
Leigh Norén is a sex therapist and coach with a Master of Science in Sexology. She helps people reduce stress, shame, & anxiety surrounding sex — so they can get their sex drive back and enjoy their partner again.
